Synced & corrected by -robtor- www.addic7ed.com
I'm a pterodactyl.
Corn!
My ex-wife Barbara is holding her first dinner party
with her Venezuelan beloved, Ramon.
Now let me ask you,
shall I raise my arm to smite said lover? No.
For kindness shall be my sword.
I'm really nervous to go in here.
I'm terrible at parties. I don't make small talk.
I just wish I could be one of those people who could
talk about wine and... and tennis and Mercedes Benzeseses.
Don't overthink it, my queen. Just relax, make jokes
and we'll have fun.
- Okay. - Perhaps you and I will vamp a bit.
My ex-wife will observe
the rapscallion wit that she has forsaken.
Isn't life funny?
Anyway... you guys are crazy!
Oh, God.
May I?
Oh. Enchantée. Well...
Jack Tripper. Wilkins and Marshall.
Well, I'm not sure how much of that is your name,
but I am intrigued.
Diane Winterbottommonte.
Wathkins and Mytel.
I'm a natural extrovert and so this is a pleasure...
pleasure meeting you.
Do you love tennis as much as I do?
Uh, maybe more.
First doubles at Yale.
This is gonna be a problem. Harvard Lady Bobcat!
- No. - Class of I'll never tell.
You are quite a spark plug.
You know it. How about these spark plugs?
Extrovert!
- I really am. - Wow.
...so I turn to Bono,
and I say, "Bono, you crazy mick.
You've been using the Kennedy girl's tennis racket the whole time."
How do I get out of this voice?
Stick with it.
That guy over there is a big producer with a TV show,
Locked Up Abroad.
He's gobbling up every gorgeous word. Go on!
People know me. Barbara's met me before.
My lady love is otherwise engaged at the moment
- with my Latin cuckolder. - Come on, baby.
Come on...
Oh.
I can't do it anymore.
I'm exhausted. I need a Sucrets.
Hey, you guys? This is my real voice.
I don't know anything about tennis
and I actually enjoy gas station tuna fish sandwiches.
Uh...
A regular Rich Little.
God...
That shrill, horrible voice was hilarious!
Can you imagine? It's almost a disability.
I bet I'd be eligible for a handicapped parking placard for my Jag.
But, hey, what are you...
what are you into?
What... turns you on?
- What's your jam? - You know,
I like Coffee Bean...
and Big Bang Theory.
That is insane.
Those are two of my favorite five things.
Have you been to the beach?
Yes, I have.
This is crazy.
Bruce, this is very sexual.
- We should go. - You see that shirt?
And those pants he's wearing?
Those are mine. Unconsciously, she yearns for me.
And now she wants me to fight to get her back.
Don't you think he's stealing your expensive clothes?
In that case, the joke's on him.
- See that whole outfit? - Yes.
$11 from the Bruce Boxleitner collection at Kohl's.
Plus, double joke's on him.
I had a rolling brown-out in those slacks
courtesy of Ron Popeil's July Fourth ceviche bar.
Well... I think I better clean up some plates.
Looks like Barbara's busy.
Yeah, I'm gonna go too.
Mmm... that Diane voice really wiped me out.
Can I walk you to your car?
Oh.
Fantastic. Wow, a gentleman.
I thought you had all gone the way of the dodo.
That's, uh...
the extinct bird, right?
- Yes. - Oh.
Well, I wish I had parked farther away.
Why am I laughing?
I have
an unearned sense of confidence.
I really like you, Diane.
Would you want to go to the beach or maybe Coffee Bean sometime?
Oh, well, that would be... fabulous.
Know what? I've got to be honest with you.
I fell into a Diane voice vortex.
This is who I am. My name's Maria.
I don't actually work for Wathkins and whatever.
- Mytel. - Uh, right.
I'm so sorry.
I'm just a comedian.
Oh. Comedy! I love comedy.
- Oh! - Can't believe I didn't get the joke.
When I have a glass of wine, I lose my sense of humor,
like everybody.
And after a few drinks everything just becomes... very real.
And I tighten up and clench all over.
I really pinch off. Well, great meeting you.
Guess I'll just get into my Jag.
Uh... Would you wanna get coffee tomorrow?
Yes, sure.
On second thought,
tomorrow actually won't work well for me.
How about tomorrow's tomorrow?
Actually, now that I think about it... I think tomorrow would actually work.
Well... great.
So I met somebody. A really nice guy...
...named Jack.
- Uh-huh. - We really hit it off
when I was doing my Diane voice.
I'd just gotten my pap smear in my Mercedes.
All clear.
I'm worried that's the only thing he likes about me,
the intoxicating voice.
He definitely likes something that starts with a V. Your pussy.
- No, he's very nice. - Is he hot?
Does he have a powerful aura? What do you like about him?
He really likes me. That's what I really like.
But he only likes me when I'm doing the voice.
And that's a little weird.
Nobody is themself for the first six years of dating.
That's science. That's proven.
Everybody, when they start out,
they put their best foot forward.
- One step at a time, right? - In the beginning. Yeah.
Just shut up for a second.
Listen, between you and me,
I've done some humiliating shit for guys.
I'm talking really humiliating shit.
I know.
I'd better...
- I wanna see who this is. - Get the phone.
Go for Diane.
What am I doing?
I am carbonating my pool in my solid gold tankini
and my belly chain.
I'd love to see you at the show.
I'll get you tickets right up front.
So close, you can see my pores if I had any.
Okay, sweet pea.
Squirrel kiss. Mmm!
Mmm, yeah!
Yeah...
What the fuck was that?
Forget everything I said before because that was fucking disgusting.
I once kissed a squirrel in an ashram outside of Boulder.
I was in the hospital for 16 weeks and I learned my lesson.
Now, I'm super careful when I kiss squirrels.
I was doing my fancy voice to please Jack,
but I had to be careful.
People-pleasing got me in trouble in the past,
especially with my best friend from home,
Susan!
Maria, I hope it's okay,
I brought my real estate agent, Karen Grisham, to watch.
Karen Grisham? That's the name of my talent agent.
Maybe she's my sister.
Isn't she funny, Maria?
- Yeah... - She should be the comedian.
Maria is an alternative comedian.
As in, alternative to funny.
Oh, come on!
Susan, you're busting my nards right now.
So just so you know what I'm doing, it's a cartoon based on SeaWorld
and I play Lady Orca
and it's starring and produced by Dr. Bill Cosby...
PhD.
So Cosby, SeaWorld... How could it miss?
Nobody cares, Ave Maria.
Get to work, squirt.
Another dooze from Sooze.
I escaped from those Greenpeace kidnappers,
and now I want to get back to my cozy tank
where crowds adore me and fish fall from the sky!
Freedom is a burden!
Let me in, Bill Cosby!
Let me in!
- Perfect, Maria. Thank you. - Oh, okay.
Thanks, Glenn.
Okay, I'm done!
- That's it? - Yeah.
That's all you do?
Yeah.
What a Freddie-freeloader.
What do they pay you to spit into a microphone?
Oh, I'd rather not say.
- $10,000. - Okay.
- Oh, my fudge on rye. - Fuck my butt-titties.
You make $10,000 for 30 seconds?
What do the goobers at Checklist give ya?
- I don't know. It's... - $150,000.
- What? - Thanks, Glenn.
That is thanks to the hardworking men and women
of America's labor unions.
Maybe I should show you houses.
Yeah!
But first, you gotta look at my super cute condo.
It's my MTV crib.
Paul and I have been dying for a vacation home.
You can use it anytime, Maria,
because I'm your bestie from the Midwestie.
Oh, it's nice. Congratulations, Susan.
This is wonderful.
Check out these hardwood floors.
Okay.
Oh, are those pine?
- It's koa, it's endangered. - Okay.
And this is the 75-bottle wine fridge.
Paul loves wine. That's my husband, Karen.
- Maria doesn't have one. - Nope.
Anybody want nachos?
You know what?
I feel like I'm gonna barf.
Maybe we can get something to eat.
These are just making me a little sick.
You see this Karen? This is what I have to deal with.
We're spending time enjoying something about me
for a change and...
it makes Eleanor Roose-selfish sick.
Why don't we find you a new house to vomit in?
That's okay. I just wanna go get some lunch or...
Well, you're not gonna eat until you buy a house.
- Okay. - We're doing this!
Hi-ya!
Gabe, tell them to bring another desk.
I did it again.
Well, this is nice.
It's definitely a house.
You will get much cock in this house.
- I'll get it. - Maria wants something nicer.
- Right, squirt? - Oh.
I guess.
Oh, fuck me running. Let's go bigger!
Uh-oh. Got to go.
Stamos needs a third fuck palace. He's calling them "Bukake Condos."
Oh.
Bu-condos!
I get it.
This house is particularly attractive
because the price is so goddamn reasonable.
- Okay. - Why? Easy, murder.
Don't normally show my clients a homicide house.
This is a gem. This is a double homicide house.
You know "The Woman Who Knew Too Much," the Dateline episode?
Those people spent forever looking for the killers
and then the killers killed each other.
You might want to look across the street.
Also reduced. Also murders.
More likely an eight-family hog butchering. Know what they say,
"You don't want the least murdery house
on the most murdery street."
- That's the real estate 4-1-1. - Okay.
Aw, Maria's too cheap to buy such a nice joint.
She's a real Miser Minnelli.
I am not cheap.
I'm a member of Debtors Anonymous
and I make good money.
- Especially now that I have Checklist. - Your cradle-to-grave store.
Well, as I said to my husband's cock implant guy...
Let's go bigger!
Oh!
Ta-da!
What is this?
It's a house!
I bought the house you said I should buy.
Look, it's got its own recording booth
where I can do my voice-over work and...
Are you flipping kidding me right flipping now?
Yeah, we did it!
Up top! Whoo-hoo!
I knew you'd gone Hollywood,
but I never thought on one second, you'd rub it in my face like this.
I bought a nice condo out here in Marina del Rey
and I said that you could use it.
And then you go and buy a movie star mansion
with a recording booth
so you don't even have to leave the house to make $10,000 per second.
I thought this was gonna make you happy. I didn't even want to buy this house.
You want me to feel bad for you 'cause your house is too big?
Kiss my keister!
Susan?
Hi, I'm Diane Winterbottommonte.
Connecticut.
You know what I hate
about mountain skiing?
Those double black diamond runs. They let anybody on there.
It's like, "What?"
If you can't do a mogul, you can't date one. I should know.
I had sex near Donald Trump once.
Oh, is anyone relating?
Thanks so much. Have a great night.
That was great. So very, very, very hilarious.
I'm so charged up just hearing you speak.
I don't know. It felt kinda weird.
- What would she say about it? - Who?
- Our friend Diane. - Oh.
She would say, "If you don't like it, you can lump it.
Do you like to lumpty lump?
Let me dig into your digital underground.
Reference!"
- Hey, Maria. - Hey.
Hey, Patton, this is my friend Jack.
Hey, Jack.
How do you know this cunt?
Whoa! Watch your fucking mouth, buddy.
- Do we have a problem here? - That's hilarious!
- See you later, whore. - Okay.
What an asshole.
- What's his problem? - No.
He's a good friend. He's just...
"Cunt" is a term of endearment.
It's so bad, no one would ever say it.
And so that's why you can say it.
Oh.
Cunt, cunt, cunt. Karate, karate. Rancho Cucamonga.
Is that why it's funny? Because cunt has a "K" sound?
It might be better if you just stop talking.
You know what I'd love to do?
Is I'd love to open up a box of Chardonnay,
read aloud from a Woman's Day magazine...
and sit on your face.
Fuck you, cunt.
You're coming on a little hot,
but I like where your head's at.
If we were at a party with your parents,
and I brought you a drink and said,
"Here's your gin and tonic, you dirty ax gash."
Okay, no. Oh, that's rough.
I would not be okay with that.
Jeez, Louise. I just don't get comedy.
Don't worry. Just...
take off your shirt, handsome. Hmm?
Is the word "taint" funny?
Shh, baby bear.
No more words.
Let's just relax.
I'm sorry. I can't focus. I can't stop thinking about Patton.
You're, like, the fifth guy to say that
while I'm enjoying intimacy with them.
I can't stop thinking about Patton either.
Pattin' your bottom...
with my tongue.
Forget comedy. Just keep talking.
So I'm in the lobby of the Peninsula Hong Kong,
and the Sultan of Brunei leaves me another voicemail.
I don't know if you know him. He's very hairy.
You don't get that over the phone.
Anyway, more to come.
Well, great news.
Barbara asked me to keep all my pants and my bike at the house.
Ramon will be using them, but it's a step in the right direction.
And now for even better news, you booked the pilot for Lock Up A Broad.
Here's the rub. You have to use the Diane voice.
The pilot? Isn't Locked Up Abroad on the air?
Ah, yes, correct. I was similarly confounded.
The show of which I speak,
Lock Up A Broad, is a wonderful show where women are put inside a box
and they have an opportunity to apologize
to a spouse or a lover,
for valuable grand prizes.
The whole thing is rather ironic, which I know you enjoy,
and it does shine a whimsical light
on the very real problem of female slavery.
Bruce... I don't think I'm into it.
It sounds very misogynistic.
- They give prizes, Maria! - Yeah, I can't do it.
Wait a second, Maria.
Have I ever begged you to do anything before?
Yes.
Speaking of me on my knees, I got to get out of that dorm room.
Since Barbara kicked me out, I've been living in a dorm room.
The gentlemen of Meta Beta are anything but gentle.
They call me "Shower Bear."
They pass me around.
One time, I came back from my room to find
a full human shit inside my Mets hat.
"Put it on," they said.
Tears weren't the only thing running down my face that day.
Oh, my God, Bruce.
Why are you putting yourself in this situation?
I have to, Maria. These guys are my brothers.
You can come and stay with me, just until you get back on your feet.
That's very kind, but I can never burden a client like that.
Allow me to just force you to take this job, okay?
I need the commission.
- I've got to get out of there. - Oh.
I need a safe place to close my eyes.
Okay, fine. I'll do it.
But you have to call the police.
No! No cops.
Mikey P. was very clear on that.
Very clear.
Do you hear that?
Yes.
You'd be angry too if someone stole your honey and nectar.
"My wife, she has vageen like a sleeve of wizard."
Borat!
So I went on a cruise before work.
A snooze cruise.
Only lasts eight minutes.
Snooze button!
Isn't Danny hilarious?
Yeah, it was well-crafted because he had left the surprise
at the end that it was an alarm clock.
Hey, Maria, I hear you're a semi-famous stand-up comic.
Why don't you tell us a joke?
Oh, no, no, no. No, I don't think so. No.
Don't be scared.
Comedy is lots of fun.
Just have a unique take on a universal truth.
People love it. Even Donald. And he's deaf.
I'm deaf.
Please tell us a joke. Please? We want to hear what a real,
- professional Hollywood joke sounds like. - Okay.
Please?
Please.
"Yeah, baby, yeah!" Come on, new girl.
I've warmed up the crowd for you. Austin Powers. Yeah!
Okay, well, um...
Uh... I was thinking about having kids.
Uh, got the names picked out.
They're gonna be Donut and the Golden Hen.
I know what you're saying,
"How do you know they're gonna be girls?"
But a mother knows.
A mother knows.
Let's get back to work, huh?
- Wanna get some lunch? - No, I hate lunch.
Said no one ever.
Loved that.
I brought a...
I brought a Lean Cuisine today.
"I'm a wild and crazy guy!"
Sorry, excuse me, I'm looking for Maria Bamford.
Is she back... Oh, good. Maria.
Hi, it's Mom. How are you?
Oh, that nose gag is very funny. I like that.
- Yeah, okay. - Sweetie, I brought you your tampons.
You forgot 'em.
Oh, God, Mom. You aren't supposed to be here at work.
I'm trying to get people to like me.
People don't think I'm funny.
Don't look to other people for approval, Maria.
Don't do that. No. Get it from yourself.
But that's literally what stand-up is. It's looking for approval from strangers.
- You're thinking too much. - Okay.
Just do the work.
- Put these tampies in your bag. - Okay.
- All right, sweetie, have a good day. - Thanks.
"Excuse me, can I 'ass' you a question?"
Ace Ventura!
He looks like he's going dirty. I have to...
Go for it. Go for it.
Hey, you guys!
I just ran into a tape dispenser.
Is that something people can relate to?
Goddamn it.
Never mind. As you were.
Nothing to see here.
Maria!
- Hey, hey! - Hey, hey, making copies.
You still working?
Oh, is the... is the day over?
A bunch of us are headed over to Cozies.
Open mic night tonight. Rumor is I'm going to kill it.
Half-price crappetizers. You wanna go?
Well, you know, I think I'm gonna stay here,
keep doing this. The day went so fast.
Data entry is almost like a meditation. I stopped thinking.
It's like you just type it and it... and you put it in there.
That's what she said.
Oh, behave!
- Okay. - Lates.
- Mmm. "Thriller." - Oh.
Yeah, that was like...
That was like...
Office and then... Austin Powers and then...
Michael Jackson.
It's cool.
Yeah.
- How's it going with that Jack guy? - Well, it is going great.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Are you still doing that kooky rich lady voice
to ignite his pelvic chakra?
This one? Why, of course.
I knew your skin was looking better.
- Yeah. - Finally, Maria has intercourse.
- Aw! - Everything but.
What I've discovered is that
it's not important to get my needs met, and get it done.
It's about meeting the needs of the other person who I am into.
So you're blowing him?
I'm not gonna tell you that. But, yes!
Okay.
All right. Hey, guys!
- What up? What up, Maria? - Keith, Kenny, what's going on?
- Clickedy-clink. - Clickedy-clink.
Clink, clink, clink, clink!
Clink, clink, clink, clickedy-clink.
Clickedy-clink.
Clink!
- Wow. - What's up?
I thought this was a comics brunch?
- Nobody's Periscoping. - No Periscoping.
Oh, I know. I know. It's... We're old.
You're the only millennials we know. Sorry.
- Mmm. - Thanks for the invite.
- Yeah. - The donut holes were to die for.
It's our cheat day.
Oh! You guys shouldn't be on a diet.
- Clink. - Clink, clink!
- I love brunch. It's so fun! - Hey!
- Hey! Guess who's all over my funny bone?
- What? Who? - Kindler.
- Oh. - That guy's my cunt.
We're going fishing this weekend.
That is great! Oh!
I think we need a little work on the usage of the "C" word, but...
But... I'm so glad
you're fitting in with my comedy friends.
And... and Kindler.
I think you've earned yourself a first-class,
deluxe economy ticket to the Twin Cities
of Work-the-shaft-opolis-Saint Balls.
Mmm!
Rhonda thinks she wasn't out of line
when she didn't wanna make dinner
for Randy and all of his bowling buddies after the big tournament.
Sounds like Randy bowled a gutter ball when choosing a wife.
Let's see how smart her mouth is after three days without sunlight,
when we lock up a broad!
I can't do this. I can't do this.
This voice is exhausting.
Hey. Hey, you guys, is this a metaphor?
Thought we could order in.
Here, read the menu... as Diane.
Oh! I can't do it. I can't do it.
I've just been doing it all day. I kinda... I'm a little drained, so...
You're drained? I went on a fishing trip with Kindler.
I had to fake laugh for three days.
I thought you thought he was funny.
Listen, there's something you need to know about me.
I don't think anything is funny.
I hate laughing.
If there's a kid who can't add, that's one thing.
That's genuinely amusing.
But the sound that comes out, it upsets me. I hate it.
Why did you go on the fishing trip?
I was faking having a sense of humor...
for you.
And I've been doing this voice...
for you.
Hmm.
It's okay.
We like each other, and so...
let's just be ourselves and see where that takes us.
- Okay. - Okay.
- To being ourselves! - Yeah!
Mmm.
What's... what's so funny?
Come on, man, you just farted for, like, 30 seconds.
It's a normal bodily function. I've been holding in for an hour.
I don't get it. I don't, get it.
Okay, maybe this isn't gonna work out, you know.
Maybe we've run our course.
All because I farted? You said I could be myself.
No...
It's because you didn't laugh after you passed gas.
I've been a people-pleaser my whole life.
First with my family, and then with my job, and...
I don't wanna do that with you and...
I think I deserve better.
You know, someone who giggles at my fluff trumpets,
and you deserve someone who takes your fluff trumpets
very seriously.
- I understand. - Hmm.
Wanna orally pleasure each other one last time?
Sure! Go down on me, Daddy.
That's it. I'm done.
Yeah.
- Goodbye, Diane. - Hmm.
Tell Kindler I died.
Hello, you've reached Jack Tripper at Wilkins and Marshall.
A division of the Three Company.
Hey, Jack. It's Diane.
Now that we've parted, I just wanted to leave you some parting words.
Strawberry rhubarb.
Potato gnocchi.
Singapore.
Salmon, poached.
Candelabra.
Gymnasium.
France.
Good night.
Synced & corrected by -robtor- www.addic7ed.com